I’ve always been a man who cries a lot.
We’ll never forget Congressman John Boehner. The Crier of the House. Well, I’m here to tell you he’s got nothing on me.
Ever since I was a little boy I cried a lot. In fact I remember, at about 5 or 6 years old thinking there must be something wrong with me. After all my dad never cried. In fact my dad is 77 years old and in my 56 years of knowing him I have never seen him shed a single tear. The closest I ever came to seeing him cry was when my grandmother died. I think I may have noticed his eyes start to water up just before he grabbed a six pack of beer, his lawn chair, and wandered into the woods. If I had to speculate, I suspect he went to cry but was fearful of being seen.
I learned how to combat my urge to cry by becoming the class clown. I was so good at entertaining my classmates that I got permanently expelled from 2 high schools because the teachers couldn’t compete with me for the kids’ attention. Then I discovered drugs. One of the greatest things about getting high was I never felt like crying…at least in the early years. Then when I got clean and started doing a lot of inner work on myself the flood gates opened up. All those tears never went away. They were just being held back by some emotional levy that eventually gave way to the pressure. When those tears started to flow freely again it was about the most uncomfortable feeling I know.
When I let the outside world define me I’m always a freak.
I thought that the tears would subside after I got all the shit out but I was wrong. In fact, I find myself crying even more today because I now allow myself to feel. Allowing myself to feel also reacquainted me with another long lost stranger…LAUGHTER. Although I was considered a funny guy it was always everyone else laughing and not me.
By denying myself the freedom to cry I was also robbing myself of the ability to laugh.
Today I allow myself the freedom to cry because it reveals to me the things I’m passionate about. In the beginning the passion was mostly directed inward as I worked my ass off to heal my broken soul. Now as I become aware that my inner soul and the outer world I see are one in the same I realize I have a lot more healing to do and the tears I cry are my guide for the work I am called to do.
- I cry when I see the young boy take his first hit of dope before his first kiss.
- I cry when I hug the beautiful young girl and see her smile with hope only to find out at the next meeting that she died from an overdose.
- I cry when I hear of the cops busting down the door to find the young toddler trying to wake up his daddy who’s gone to sleep forever with a needle in his arm.
If you see me cry and it makes you uncomfortable, know that it is my intention to do so.
I know that your discomfort will cause you to do one of two things…Either you’ll turn and run the other way or you’ll come to my aid and I need all the help I can get.