I Was So F**king Tired Of Relapsing I Decided To Kill Myself
It took me a lot of years and a lot of pain to get there, but I was finally ready to just say fuck it. After all, how many times can a man say, “It’s different this time” before he realizes he’s full of shit?
After two years of being clean this time around I just wanted to pick up again. I’d been there many times before but this time neither getting high nor staying clean felt like an option.
It got to the point where I was just going through the motions of recovery because I didn’t really know why I even wanted to stay clean anymore. My relationships with others had improved dramatically as I worked and lived the 12 steps of recovery. But there was still one person I couldn’t make amends with…myself.
I’d been around the block long enough to know that if I was going to be successful I’d have to do it for myself but what was the point?
I fucking hated myself.
Why would I want to do anything for someone I loathed so deeply?
I decided that everyone in my life would be better off and I’d be free from the pain that I’d come to see as a never-ending part of my life journey. I had contemplated it many times before but never had the balls to go through with it. This time I realized something was different.
The fear of dying was no longer as bad as the fear of living.
Despite the many miracles I experienced in recovery, I still couldn’t relieve the pain from the guilt and shame that was eating away at me like a cancer in my soul. From where I sat, it would take me numerous lifetimes to clean up the wreckage and at 50 years old I wasn’t up for the task. It made more sense to just stop the hemorrhaging in my heart and call it a day.
The moment I made that decision a calming sense of freedom came over me. I wondered if this was what people described in their final moments of life. This was the first time that I ever looked at my own death on this level and realized how finite my time in this human body was.
I decided to take a final road trip and just surrender to whatever occurred. After all, this was it and I had nothing left to lose as Janis described it so eloquently in the song, “Bobby McGee.”
I didn’t have a clue where I was going or what I was looking for but I didn’t care. All the shit I stressed about was behind me now. The past didn’t matter anymore and there was no future to get worked up about. The man I’d come to hate, no longer occupied space in my brain because he was as good as dead.
That’s when it hit me. All the power was in the story I created.
Nothing had changed as far as the circumstances of my past or present except the story I attached myself to.
A story which I created based on information I had gathered throughout my lifetime. I began taking a look at that information and quickly realized that most of it was based on someone else’s opinion rather than actual facts. That’s when things really began to change quickly for me.
I began looking at every part of my life where I felt stuck or trapped and finding the story behind it. Then I questioned the truth to that story by using a process called “The Work” which was created by Byron Katie. Something very profound occurred to me after going through this process several times.
Every so-called “truth” that guided my life had an equal and opposite “truth” that could be verified by me. If that’s the case, are they really “truths” or just stories?
As I look back I see that I did commit suicide that day. I killed the old story that was me and began writing a new one. I’m not sure if I’ll ever become enlightened enough to completely detach from my stories. I’ll leave that to the sages and gurus. Just knowing that I can rewrite mine to suit the man I want to be is good enough for now.
I’m grateful for everything that has occurred in my life to this point. Good, bad, and ugly are just words to classify things and can be interchanged any time to describe any circumstance. We all have written scripts in our minds that would make the late, great Arthur Miller proud. The question is does yours serve you in being the greatest version of yourself today?
If not, you have the power to flip the script any time.